Guidelines for Finding a Counselor

 If You Think You Might Be In an Abusive Relationship. (April, 2000)
(Edited version is available as brochure)

Over an extended time, or perhaps in one extraordinary moment, you have come to the realization that you are or may be in an abusive relationship. You may or may not be in therapy already. You are evaluating your situation with a new awareness. You want someone to talk with, some support - an ally.

This set of guidelines is for anyone who realizes that she or he is in an abusive relationship and who is looking for appropriate support. Remember that your safety is the first and most essential priority. You may wish to contact a local shelter or hotline for support and safety planning, and you may also want the help of a counselor or therapist. The phone number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE. The Boston area hotline, Safelink, is 1-877-785-2020 (English and Spanish). People who answer a hotline can assist you with creating a plan for your immediate safety and a referral to a domestic violence program in your area.

It is our hope that these guidelines will help you find the right counselor or therapist. You deserve to have your goals met. As you search for a therapist or if you are thinking about changing therapists, these guidelines are designed to assist you.

1. What do you want?

   Focus first on what you are seeking, what you want to get from counseling. Is it your own desire to see a counselor? Or is this someone else's idea of what would be good for you? Consider the following questions as well:

   • What are your preferences in terms of a counselor's characteristics? For instance, do you care about their language abilities, race, gender, family values, age, or sexual orientation or other characteristic?
   • Have you thought about your goals for counseling? If so, what are they?
   • With what are you hoping to get help or support?
   
   
2. What about couple's counseling?

   If you are afraid of your partner, it is not a good idea to try couple's counseling. You may feel that this is your only hope for getting your partner to change. Unfortunately, your partner's changing is not within your control. The openness that is encouraged in therapy may actually lead to an increase in violence.

   If you would still prefer to try couple's counseling, it is important that the therapist first interview you and your partner separately and hear both your stories independently. Because of the potential risks in this work, the counselor should not agree to work with you unless safety measures are in place.

   
   
3. Once you have an idea of what you want, where do you start looking?

   Get references: friends, trusted physician, attorney, or clergyperson, local women's programs or domestic violence programs, or professional organizations. You can not assume that a referral you have received from someone you admire and trust is automatically the right therapist or counselor for you. It is however, a good place to start. Like other relationships, finding the right match is a very individual experience. The information included here is designed to help you with this process.

   
   
4. Money Issues.

   Insurance coverage may limit your choices. For instance:

   • If you belong to an HMO, you must look within their organization unless you can pay out-of-pocket. If your HMO does not have a therapist who is trained and experienced with domestic violence, then you may have a right to ask for an appeal or waiver to go outside the system. You should expect the appeal process to be challenging.
   • Any insurance will have limited coverage (e.g. a certain number of sessions or a certain dollar amount) which you should check out in advance.
   • If you have insurance, some states (e.g. Massachusetts) mandate that at least some visits are covered.
   • If you have no insurance, you can most fruitfully look for a counselor through the local public clinic and/or local women's and domestic violence programs.
   
   

   Fees for therapy/counseling:

   • Many domestic violence programs offer free individual and group counseling services, in addition to a 24-hour hotline, legal advocacy, and shelter.
   • Elsewhere, fees can vary from free, at some clinics and women's support service center, to over $100 per hour.
   • Sliding scale fees are often available, with charges adjusted according to income. It is appropriate to ask about sliding scale fees.
   
   
5. Kinds of counselors out there.

   Most professional counselors (or therapists) are social workers, psychologists, mental health counselors, or psychiatrists. Regardless of which professional you choose to go with, it is important to ask about the counselor's experience with domestic violence situations. Here are a few points to consider:

   • Many counselors trained in working with victims of violence have no professional degrees, but they do have considerable experience and may know more about matters of immediate concern, such as safety planning and what your rights and options are, than people with counseling degrees and licenses.
   • There are many professional therapists who know very little about domestic violence. It is a good idea to ask about training in and experience with domestic violence issues.
   • If you are concerned about medical issues or medication, it is helpful to find a counselor who is affiliated with a medical colleague.

   Once you have collected some names and phone numbers, you are ready to make contact.

   
   
6. Getting information by telephone

   Before you dial, think about what is most important for you to know. For instance, it is important to get clear information about:

   • Fees and billing practices.
   • Location.
   • Available times to meet with you.
   • Flexibility in appointment scheduling and policy about missed appointments.

   Be sure that these fit what you need in order to maintain your safety.

   In addition, you might want to ask about:

   • The counselor's training, in general, and her/his training in domestic violence issues, in particular.
   • What the protocol is for emergency situations or for telephone calls between sessions.
   • If the counselor can help you with the issues you identified above, or whether the counselor has worked with people who are like you in important ways (such as, racial background, ethnicity, or sexual orientation).
   • The counselor's familiarity with the community in which you live, as knowledge of community resources can be very helpful.

   It is a good idea to have paper and pen to take notes so that you can compare some of the responses later. Also, keep track of your own responses, how comfortable you felt talking with the counselor in this first contact.

   If you need to leave a message, it is helpful to let the counselor/therapist know when it is safe to return your call.

   This "telephone research" may take some time, with messages and callbacks, but is probably worth it in the end.

   
   
7. First meetings.

   By the end of the first few meetings, you should know:

   • What the counselor can offer you
   • What the terms of the agreement are (when you will meet, what it will cost, how often and how long you can meet, what your shared goals are for the counseling).

   These meetings should also give you a sense of the counselor's style and methods. You can ask the counselor any questions that seem important to you. No question is stupid or inappropriate. Any question or topic is valid. You need to feel safe and comfortable. If the therapist has a reaction that makes you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself if this therapist is right for you.

   In some situations, such as a clinic, you may first meet with a person for an intake interview who will not be the counselor you would continue to see. Part of that person's job may be to match you with an available counselor. In that case, it is still important to convey what you want. The first meetings with the ongoing counselor will be your opportunity to see if you can find it there.

   After the first few meetings, you may want to reflect on your satisfaction with this counselor before you commit yourself to more meetings. Even if you made another appointment, you can cancel it.

   
   
8. A check list of positive indicators:

   Check if the answer is "Yes."

   • Did you feel heard by the counselor?
   • Did the counselor listen to your concerns, value your opinions, support you?
   • Did the counselor ask you about your current situation and help you assess your safety?
   • Did the counselor ask relevant questions about sexual abuse, substance abuse, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, major life events, and other fears or concerns?
   • Did the counselor help you plan for safety, inform you of your right to protection by police and courts if needed, encourage you to use local resources for support and safety? li> Did the counselor appear to understand and be interested in your cultural background, social conditions, sexual orientation?
   • Did the counselor put responsibility for the violence on the abusive partner?
   • Did the counselor recognize your strengths?
   • Do you feel that the counselor is on your side?
   • Are you able to bring up your doubts or concerns with the counselor?
   • Does the counselor understand that you may have mixed feelings about the abuser?
   
   
9. A check list of negative indicators:

   Check if the answer is "Yes."

   • Did the counselor imply or say that you were responsible for your partner's abusive behavior?
   • Did you feel judged?
   • Did you feel pressured to make a decision that feels wrong to you?
   • Did the counselor minimize or misunderstand the seriousness of the situation?
   • Did the counselor overreact and exaggerate the seriousness of the situation?
   • Did you feel manipulated or controlled?
   • Did you feel the counselor was telling you something was wrong with you?
   • Did you feel your independence was undermined?
   
   
10. After some more meetings

    Remember that your counselor is working for you! Look at your checklists above. Are the positive indicators clearly outweighing the negative ones? If so, that is a good sign for a helpful relationship. However, no check-list is a guarantee. If, over time, you do not find the counseling helpful, it is important to discuss that with your counselor in order to determine what to do to improve the situation. If you have more negative indicators checked off than positive ones, then you may need to re-assess if this counselor is a good match for you.

Download "Guidelines for Finding a Counselor" Brochure

Prepared by:
Massachusetts Chapter of the National Association of Social Workers
Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Committee
and the
CONNECT Committee of Greater Boston Jewish Women International