Ellen Glazer ‘69

Hi. I am Ellen Glazer, a mom, social worker, writer and Simmons grad and I look forward to bringing each of these identities to Simmons blogging. Here‘s a bit more…

I am a mom to two daughters and a step-son. One of my daughters joined our family through adoption. The other was born to me. My step-son was my daughters traveling companion on a camp trip to Thailand when she was a teenager. I met his dad when we were picking our kids up at the end of the trip. Little did either anticipate the consequences of traveling to Thailand! I look forward to writing about some of my thoughts on motherhood in my blog.

My social work career has also unfolded in unanticipated ways. Since the late 1970‘s, I‘ve focused my interest and energies on infertility, adoption, surrogacy, egg and sperm donation, pregnancy loss and parenting after infertility. My timing has been incredible in that so much has happened in the worlds of reproductive medicine and adoption over the past 40 years. I really look forward to writing about egg donation, adoption and age related infertility in my blog.

Writing has always been a "side interest", not the focus of my energies. That said, I LOVE to write. I‘ve written (or co-authored) six books on infertility and am working on one now (with two other women) about adoption. I write articles and essays and now I write a blog!

Being a Simmons grad remains something I am proud of and grateful for. I still have lunch monthly with my Simmons roommate and I still get a charge when I walk through the residence campus on my way to the MFA or Fenway Park. I recently attended my 40th Simmons reunion and as I talked with my classmates, was reminded, yet again, of how well Simmons prepared us for the world.

Recently posted by Ellen Glazer

I Believe in Frittering

By Ellen Glazer on November 6, 2009 3:03 PM | No Comments | No TrackBacks
No, that wasn't a typo--I'm not thinking about Twittering. In fact, I'm thinking about the opposite of twittering: frittering.  

Best I can tell, frittering--the simple art of wasting time--is in peril. Do you know anyone who fritters time away?  Perhaps there are "closet fritterers" like me, who enjoy simply walking around the block or meandering the aisles at Trader Joes, but so many people  appear to be doing two or more things at once. They are driving while talking on the phone, texting while eating in a restaurant, sending emails in between preparing a recipe and putting it in the oven.  They are so busy saving time, I fear, that they are allowing it to slip away. Which brings me back to frittering.

I believe in frittering because I believe that all us need time to re-charge our batteries.  Yoga is great. So are walking and kayaking.  People swear by meditation and mindfulness and Reiki and Pilates. There are oodles of ways to relax,to  let out stress,  but there is a purposefulness to each of them.  The beauty of frittering, the power, the magic is that it is NOT purposeful. Frittering is frittering. It has no goal. It achieves nothing. And in achieving nothing, it clears our minds, rest our hearts, heals our frayed edges and reminds us that time will slip away if we try too hard to use it well.


Boston Globe Gets it Wrong (I think)

By Ellen Glazer on October 22, 2009 10:43 AM | No Comments | No TrackBacks
No sooner did I post my blog entry about Egg Donation then the Boston Sunday Globe weighed in on the topic. The Globe's lead editorial on Sunday, October 11 dealt with anonymity in egg and sperm donation.  Inspired, I guess, by the widely reported story of the woman seeking child support and more from an anonymous sperm donor, the Globe declared that donors are and should remain anonymous. While I agree that an egg or sperm donor, has neither parental rights nor financial responsibilities, the Globe goes way too far when it endorses anonymity.

First, the facts...In the past, Donor conception WAS primarily anonymous but that is changing. For the past 15 years or so, sperm banks have offered "identity release" donors. These are men who agree to be available to offspring when they turn 18.  As for egg donation, increasing numbers of egg donors and "recipients" are choosing to meet prior to donation or during pregnancy.  In my practice, it is increasingly rare for me to meet someone who wants anonymous donation once they consider the implications of this for their child, both in terms of identity and access to current medical information.

The Globe says that anonymous donation is working well.  For whom?  Let's begin with the children.  While there are many who deny curiosity about genetic connections, there are those who are deeply troubled by what they call "fractured kinship"--the "intentional fracturing of their connections with their genetic kin."  Some are upset and angry enough to become donor conception activists, speaking out publicly about their "genetic and genealogical bewilderment."  Then there are the donors who, as years pass and especially as they have children of their own, wonder "who else is out there."  And the donors families, would-be grandparents who find they have feelings about the children who may have come from their own children's donations. Finally, the parents who face the task of telling their child that they came into the world and their family with the help of a third person. What do they say when their children ask who the person is and when they can meet them?

The Globe is absolutely on target when it says that issues of donor conception need to be addressed legally.  I hope that this part of their editorial recommendation will be heard and attended to. I only wish they had omitted the remainder of their advice since I fear that it perpetuates old myths that family secrets are o.k,  that the rights of adults trump the rights of children, that a young person donating gametes will never look back and question the rightness of an anonymous donation.

Should you donate your eggs?

By Ellen Glazer on October 7, 2009 10:12 AM | 2 Comments | No TrackBacks
I've been talking with people about egg donation for the past fifteen years or so, but this is the first time that I'm writing to prospective donors.  You see, most of the people I talk with are infertile couples who are thinking about becoming parents through egg donation.  But with a "Simmons audience, " I'm guessing there are more prospective "donors" than "recipients" reading this. Those of you who are are undergraduates or graduate students, have probably seen ads for egg donors. The ads tell you that this is an opportunity to do a "wonderful thing."  The ads also tell you you will be generously compensated.  The ads are inviting and they surely make egg donation seem like a "win-win" endeavor. Should you do it?

As the ads will tell you, there are many worthy, loving people who so have struggled long and hard to become parents. Their stories vary, but many are poignant and compelling. Egg donation gives you the opportunity to help these couples and it offers you "compensation for your time and effort" that ranges from about $5000 to $10,000. In addition, the practice of anonymous donations and secrecy is thankfully diminishing and more and more people going through egg donation are meeting their donors and entering into more collaborative arrangements.  Donors have no parenting responsibilities, but unlike in the past, when young women essentially "sent their eggs out into the unknown," you can now know where your eggs are going. You can look someone in the eye, see her excitement, delight and gratitude.

But on the other hand...
First, how do you feel about giving your genes/genetic material/family lineage to another family? Some people respond to this question by saying, "it's not a baby, it's just an egg" and dismiss this as an issue.  If you are in this camp, then I encourage you to think about or ask your parents if they feel the same way--do they feel it is "just an egg" or might they react by saying "that's my grandchild." I say this as there have been increasing reports of late of "grandparents" expressing feelings about their daughter's donating eggs.  Also, if you are not yet a mom, can you try to envision how you may feel about a child that comes from egg donation when you have children? And what happens if you have difficulty conceiving? Might you look back with regret?

Then there is medical safety.  I've heard some donors say, "but the eggs are going to waste anyway." That's true--the eggs you donate (if you donate) will otherwise vanish--they don't remain in reserve for future use.  Women lose eggs along the way whether they donate them or not. However, there are some risks involved in egg donation. These include anesthesia risks, potential long term side effects from taking fertility medications, the small risks that come with egg retrieval.  These are risks that infertile women take willingly all the time, but for them there is the potential gain of a baby.  Here too, try to look at this through the lens of potential regret: If you encounter a medical issue now or in the future and relate it correctly or incorrectly to egg donation, will you look back and say, "I shouldn't have done it."

As you can see, there are reasons for donating and reasons for not donating. My advice to those of you who decide to donate--or at least to explore the topic further-- is that you talk with close family members and friends about your decision. See how this feels--do you feel proud of what you are doing and excited about it or is there something that feels embarrassing to you? This will tell you a lot about how you really feel. Also, you'll be taking careful notice of how people react and let's face it, that will be important to you.  

In short, if you decide to donate, make sure you feel really good about it, that you've done your "research," both medical and emotional. Try to anticipate how you will feel looking back on this decision. All of us are burdened by regret at one time or another in our lives and so often this regret is unavoidable. We all make the best decisions that we can at a given moment in time.  And so it is with the decision of whether or not to donate eggs. 



back from camp

By Ellen Glazer on September 13, 2009 10:48 AM | 1 Comment | No TrackBacks
I am just back from summer camp, complete with cold showers, loud dining room songs, campfires with s'mores, swamped canoes, lots of bug spray, bathroom jokes, jobs assigned on the clean-up wheel. Although I can't wait to go back and am counting the nearly 50 weeks until my next week at camp, I'll admit that being there was quite a challenge. For although I was not new to sleep away camp and had, in fact, spent seven summers at camp, a bit of time has elapsed. To be more precise, it's been 48 years.

I know what you are wondering...what is a 60 something year old doing at summer camp? The answer is that I was a counselor. Older than the other counselors by 40 years or so? Nope. Among the 57 counselors at Circle at Tapawingo, there were only 10 or so under 40. Most were over 55 and there were some pushing 70. Did the campers think that they were in the midst of a bunch of old ladies? I don't think so! They were too busy trying to keep up with us on the soccer field, the basketball court, the ultimate frisbee field. Before I went to camp, I thought I was in good shape. I run several miles each day. Now I know what good shape is--the other women there could out-run, out-swim, out sing and dance girls young enough to be their grand-daughters.

Circle is a camp for girls who have lost a parent. They are ages 8-12. Everyone who works there is a volunteer. Everyone who goes there pays nothing for the experience. Everyone comes home with incredible memories. I will share more of mine in future blogs.

A brief introduction....

By Ellen Glazer on September 4, 2009 8:38 AM | No Comments | No TrackBacks

Hi. This is my first blog entry and I'm using  it to introduce some of the topics and themes that I expect to be writing about in the Simmons blog. 


Although I look forward to the opportunity to commenting on lots of things, I expect to focus on what I call family building. This will include infertility, egg donation, adoption and age related fertility and family building concerns. I'd like begin with the latter... 


As a social worker who counsels and consults with people who are often concerned about their age and their fertility, I have a range of thoughts and experiences. I see single women in their mid-thirties who are worried that they won't find a partner in time to beat the biological clock. I also meet couples in their 30's who are struggling with infertility and worried that they will be ancient parents and I meet some in their 40's who feel they have all the time in the world. We're young, we have energy and everyone in our families lives into their 90's they tell me. 


What do I tell them and what would I like to say?  To those who are older and worried, I try to offer some reassurance.  You can't tun back the clock.  It doesn't help to look back with regret or to beat yourself up because you couldn't -- for whatever reason -- have your family when you were younger.  To many I add that I've seen older parents appear younger and more vibrant once their children arrived.  This is how I try to approach the worried, the fearful, the every day counts group of would-be parents.


Then there are others. They are are 45 or 46, 52 or 53 and they feel young. Indeed, many do look young and seem to be youthful and full of energy. Still, numbers don't lie.  You can be a "young" 70 or a "young" 80 but if you reach those ages when you have teenage or young adult children, there are likely to be some drawbacks. For one thing, I worry about the kinds -- what it will mean for them  to be 20-ish and have an aging parent who may need more assistance than the child is ready or able ot provide.  And  healthy, vibrant parents in their 70's and 80's are different -- I feel -- than parents in their 50's and 60's.My friends and I, all early 60's with kids in their 20's and 30's, love to compare notes of our visits with our young adult children who live in different cities. The air mattresses come out, the sofa beds unfold, mom arrives and a few days of fun ensue.  We all hope that we will be active and energetic in our 70's and 80's but none of us feel that this is something we can count on.  Wanting other parents to experience the pleasures of being a youthful parent to a young adult child and wanting other young adults to delight in good times with Mom or Dad, I find myself hoping that most of the people I meet will find their way to parenthood, one way or another, before they are very far into their 40's.


That said, time is what it is, you can't turn back the clock and looking back with regret serves no good purpose.  

Greetings!

By Reconnect with Simmons on September 1, 2009 11:49 AM | 1 Comment | No TrackBacks
Let's welcome our new bloggers!
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